Every once in a while, there are small, seemingly insignificant choices that end up making all the difference in the long run. Like the choice to say "Hi" to someone who ends up being a best friend, or the feeling to go to that one seminar which ends up starting you on a new career path with an even bigger "Big Dream," –you know what I mean, those little things that change lives at set you on a new path, sometimes without your even realizing it.
Such an experience was mine over a year ago, a moment that changed everything and continues to shape my life in a profound way. So small seemed the decision at the time that I can't even remember when it happened; all I know is that it was sometime around when 2009 became 2010, December or January.
I sat in a sacred place, thinking and contemplating my life, its challenges, and the direction and help needed to move forward. As I pondered, it seemed to me as if I had the experience similar to King Solomon in the Old Testament: “Ask what I shall give thee.”
A little surprised, I thought carefully about my answer before responding. Solomon, as we know, could have chosen riches, long life, or the “life of his enemies.” Instead, he famously chose wisdom, and with it received everything else he could have asked for. I knew all the “right” things to ask, things like wisdom and understanding and humility, yet there were other things pressing in my life that I thought I wanted more than anything else, ever. I knew that nothing I chose would be frowned upon; but that some desires and choices are greater than others. I was given to know that whatever I chose I would receive.
It was not an easy decision. At last, however, I found my real desire. More than intellect or prominence or even the intensely personal things I’d been seeking as I pondered previously, I wanted charity. To me, this means more than the giving or receiving of temporal goods. It means, as one author put it, “the pure love of Christ.” I wanted to truly love in that way, a way that can change lives, heal hearts, bind up wounds, and free nations. It was not an easy decision, but it was the real one. Satisfied, I returned my request to my Creator. I felt He heard and granted it. I went on my way and back to my busy life, and, although it occasionally came back to me, for the most part I promptly forgot the experience.
The Universe has a way of granting our desires by testing them. Shortly thereafter, I entered one of the most painful and difficult periods of my life. Confusion seemed to reign as I sought to understand what was from God and what was the demanding voices of others around me. The peace I experienced when I requested charity seemed to be turned upside down, and in the face of my own pain I couldn’t quite seem to see anything else. In blindness and confusion I made a series of decisions that dramatically threatened the other thing I thought I wanted most in the world, in fact, the very thing that I had been so tempted to choose in the place of charity. I stepped too far and in the face of my mistake found myself left alone and questioning every truth I had ever known. I was forced to come to my senses and I realized that my actions had come at the expense of those I cared most about, ironically in the name of “love.” I had hurt the person and people I loved most by attempting to force them to be the solution to my pain. I don’t think I’d ever been more uncharitable in my life. Since there was little else to do but choose to learn from the experience and hope for forgiveness, I decided to learn.
Experience is a harsh schoolmaster, but it is an effective one. Over the subsequent months, I learned many things about myself, about God, about reality, about truth, about obedience. I learned about humility. I learned that real happiness is a result of small, simple choices and experiences every day - the “little things” I sought to fall in love with; of acting in truth no matter what the cost; of service to other people; of knowing the True and Living God. Perhaps that was the most important, for I found that it is only through Him that I can really learn what it means to love another person more than I love myself.
I learned. Through pain, through mistakes, through soul-searching, through experimentation, through friendships, through prayer. It has been just over a year since the since the painful experience with the opposite of charity that abruptly shifted my view of myself and the world. In that time, I have learned many things, just a few of which I would like to share with you here. Although I am not perfect yet, I hope that something here may be helpful to you and give you the permission most of humanity is seeking: the permission to truly love.
Charity is coming out from under a blanket when you want nothing more than to hide for the rest of your life because you feel so hurt and humiliated. It is choosing to try again and allowing disaster to be a catalyst for change. Charity is starting over again.
Charity is standing on the top of a mountain and shouting at the top of your lungs to the city below you the message you carry in the depths of your heart for them. You find yourself doing this because they are worth it. It is ceasing to care about what they think and starting to care about them.
Charity is suddenly wondering if you recognize the man across the street as the one who was responsible for the greatest sorrow of your life, and then finding that you hope it is him so that you can wish him well and share that you truly care about him. It is offering a prayer for that man, wherever he is, and petitioning the God of Heaven with all of your heart for his happiness.
Charity is feeling a bubble of happiness in seeing a homeless woman you’ve seen a dozen times before and realizing that your message is for her, too. It is listening to her story with such an overwhelming love for her that you forget stereotypes and only remember that we all want to return Home. Charity is knowing, as you part ways, that she is your sister.
Charity is awakening at 2:30 a.m. to be with a roommate who just lost her father, taking her to the emergency room, staying with her in recovery, and flying across the country at your own expense so she does not have to be alone. Charity is finding when you return that it is your own life that is changed forever because of the experience.
Charity is working on yourself moment after moment, day after day, so that never again will you be the cause of pain to those you love. It is a moment-to-moment process of choosing to master yourself so that you can love others. It is choosing to curb your own desires and change and feel pain so that they do not have to. Charity is working to master the details of life, even and especially the little ones, so that you are the best possible instrument through whom God can love His children.
Charity is knowing your own life does matter. It is looking to God as the source of your worth rather than anyone or anything else and being so full of His love that you cannot help but share it with others. Charity is giving your heart over to God so that you do not have to protect it anymore and are suddenly free to love others without worrying about yourself.
Charity is realizing that you care about another person far more than about yourself and that you would give your life if it meant they could find theirs. It is choosing to feel the depths of agony over the person you love most rather than close off your heart. It is feeling rather than security, faith rather than protection, risk because it is worth it.
Charity is hoping when there seems to be no hope, believing when believe requires everything you have, trusting always, forever, no matter what.
Charity is wanting his happiness so much that you pray for it daily and desire it more than anything else, even your own. Charity is loving unconditionally, regardless of whether it is returned.
Charity is happiness so deep that nothing can shake it, and sorrow only for the pain or “sins” of the world.
Charity is loving the young people you work with and the country you live in so much that you obey every little thought or prompting to help them, even if it does not seem convenient or make sense at the time.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not, charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
Charity never faileth.
I realize now I have received and continue to receive my request, not in the way I anticipated or was expecting, but in a way that continues to change me to the core of my being. By allowing me to experience the opposite, God planted in me a desire for true charity that was a seed from which my life now grows. I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know if or when I will receive the other things I could have asked for instead of charity. I believe and know that Father in Heaven is able to grant them to me, and that He will, but if not, I will still trust in Him. I would rather go through every trial this world has to offer with Him than a single day in the lap of luxury without. Perhaps that is because I’ve tasted charity – the love that changes lives, and nations, and me.
